Stupid For Hire (Spongebob Squarepants Fanfiction)
Stupid For Hire Synopsis - Patrick needs a fellow idiot to help him repair his rock and the idiot that answers is his cousin Ed. Characters Squidward Tentacles Patrick Star Spongebob Squarepants Gary The Snail Ed Star Health Inspector Andy Yellowtail Rock Repo Guys Sea Spiders (mentioned) The Story The story begins in Squidward's house. Squid peacefully sleeps in his bed, that is until a loud boom sounds. Squidward awakens in a startle. SQUIDWARD: WHAT THE?! Squidward rushes out his front door armed with a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire but he angrily puts his weapon down once he sees Patrick using a crane. SQUIDWARD: PATRICK! MIND BEING QUIET?! AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH A CRANE?! Patrick notices Squidward and mishears his words. PATRICK: CAUSING GREAT PAIN?! YOU GOT IT! Patrick drops a wrecking ball onto Squidward. SQUIDWARD(muffled): Head trauma! Patrick then lifts the wrecking ball off Squid and turns the crane off. PATRICK: Guess what Squidward?! My cousin is coming to town! SQUIDWARD: Great…. another simple minded doofus. PATRICK: Yeah! SQUIDWARD: Well why? Why is he coming?! PATRICK: I need a fellow idiot like myself to help repair my rock! And well, my cousin is a fellow idiot who can help me repair my rock. Its two peas in a pod! I think. SQUIDWARD: Eurgh! Well keep it down! I am very tired today and I need my sleep! PATRICK: Not a problem on my float! SQUIDWARD: It's Boat you dumbo. PATRICK: Boat You Dumbo? Who is Boat You Dumbo? Is he your cousin? SQUIDWARD: I hate my life. Squidward walks away to go back to sleep. PATRICK: Huh, I guess Squidward & Boat You Dumbo have had beef in the past, oh well. Patrick goes to get his construction supplies ready when Spongebob walks up with Gary on a leash. SPONGEBOB: Hey Patrick! PATRICK: Who's Patrick? SPONGEBOB: You are, silly! PATRICK: I am? Oh yeahhh! I am! SPONGEBOB: Anyways what’re up to? PATRICK: I’m just waiting for Mr.Fix It to arrive so we can begin repairing my rock! SPONGEBOB: Who would this Mr.Fix It be? A taxi then pulls up. PATRICK: Here he is now! Coming out of the taxi is a pink fat starfish wearing green trunks like Patrick but the differences are wearing a blue Hawaiian shirt, sporting a brown bushy mustache & having blue eyes. ED: Patty! PATRICK: Eddie! Ed & Patrick do a secret handshake and then simultaneously blow raspberries. ED: It's good to see you cus! PATRICK: But I’m Patrick. ED: What a kidder! PATRICK: Yeah Ed, I suppose. ED: Who's Ed? SPONGEBOB: You are. ED: Oh yeah! And you are?! SPONGEBOB: Spongebob! ED: Oh right Spongebob, I think I saw you before. SPONGEBOB: Haha yeah we went to preschool together. ED: Right…. (then looks at Gary) And you are?! GARY: Meow ED: Gary? I’m not aware of any Gary's. SPONGEBOB: Well I’ll leave you guys to it, I have to walk Gary, see ya! Spongebob & Gary walk away. Patrick & Ed approach the rock. PATRICK: Okay Eddie! Let's get going on repairing my humble home! ED: Yay! I love humble! What will we use? PATRICK: I don’t know, my stupidity is now kicking in. Ed picks up a jackhammer. ED: Let's use this! PATRICK: Okay! That makes sense! Squidward continues to snooze away. Suddenly he is awakened again by the sounds of a jack hammer. After shaking & holding onto a chandelier out of fear, he realizes who is doing this. Squidward angrily kicks his door open and marches over to the Starfish residence. SQUIDWARD: PATRICK! Patrick notices Squidward and cuts off the jackhammer while Ed pouts having enjoyed watching his cousin denting holes & making no improvements. PATRICK: Hey Squidward! SQUIDWARD: Don’t hey Squidward me! I told you to do whatever dumb things you need to do quietly! PATRICK: No! You said and I quote! “Eurgh! Well keep it down! I am very tired today and I need my sleep!” SQUIDWARD: Whatever! Now pipe it down! ED: Who is this grouchy old man? SQUIDWARD: The name's Squidward you moron! And who you callin a grouchy old man?! ED: Sorry but my cousin & I are just trying to do some rock building. SQUIDWARD: WITH A JACKHAMMER?! PATRICK: Yeah! And it has a good warranty! Squidward feels like clobbering both of them but manages to keep his cool. SQUIDWARD: You either pipe it down or I will pipe both of you down! Squidward walks away while angrily muttering to himself. ED: Pipe it down? Is this Squidwart guy a dirty old toilet plumber? PATRICK: I think his sister is. The scene cuts to inside the rock. The exterior project, which was actually just denting holes into the rock and pissing Squidward off, is finished. Patrick gets the paint cans open and him & Ed get their brushes on hand. PATRICK: Ready? ED: Yeah! Whatever that means. Patrick & Ed finish using the brushes to clean some lint out of their belly buttons & then proceed to both swallow the paint and shoot it at the walls creating a big colorful mess. Patrick uses his toilet paper to put banners on one of his doorways. Ed takes the mailbox and installs it onto Patrick's ceiling before putting a candle inside it to use as a light. Patrick dumps a whole load of smaller rocks into his toilet to use as a toilet seat. Ed finishes installing metal onto the microwave to use as a door. When he turns it on to test, the microwave goes kablooey. PATRICK & ED: Extreme! Patrick finishes making his bed to use as a decorative ornament. Ed uses the TV as an electrical box. Patrick finally finishes this montage by utilizing his doorbell as his security alarm. Patrick & Ed rest out in Patrick's backyard exhausted from a long day's idiotic work. ED: We did it cus! We did a hard day's work & your home is now the best of the best! PATRICK: You said it! The two starfishes clink glasses & gulp down some kelp juice. ED: Aaah! That is good! Now, how's bout a snack? PATRICK: Sure! Let me just get my Welfare card and.. ED!!! Ed is crawling through Squidward's back window. ED: Can’t talk cus, I got to get us some snacks! PATRICK: But Squidward's house isn’t a restaurant! Or is it? Patrick climbs over Squidward's white picket fence, into his backyard & also climbs through the window. After landing in the kitchen and almost knocking over some Chinese Ornamental decoratives, he sees Ed raiding the refrigerator. ED: Wow this restaurant is very low quality! Just some tap water, a piece of cottage cheese & a jar of apple juice with a label that says, “LATEST DOCTOR APPOINTMENT!” PATRICK: Uhhh, I don’t think that is apple juice. ED: Hmmm, you may be right. Ed just throws the questionable substance away & continues to search through Squid's house to look for food. PATRICK: Ed, this is Old Man Squidward's house so we shouldn’t snoop through! ED: Hey! A picture of Old Man Squidward getting dumped at his Junior Prom back in 1983! PATRICK: What?! Let me see that! As Patrick & Ed look at this photograph & begin laughing at it, they hear a boat door shut & Squidward's humming outside. PATRICK: Oh no! Old Man Squidward! Come on cus follow me! Patrick & Ed rush upstairs & Squidward enters his house with a bag of groceries having finished his slumber probably during the montage from earlier. SQUIDWARD: Errgh! I hate that stupid grocery store! People chewing on half eaten hot dogs with rusty bolts in them! Kids riding shopping carts thinking they’re fire engines & Spongebob at the pet store cleaning out Gary's slug nails! Spongebob is shown at the grocery store doing just that. SPONGEBOB: Hey! Is that one of my contact lenses? Squidward sits on his couch after putting his groceries away & is about to watch the boring public town TV channel when he happens to notice his embarrassing 1983 prom picture. SQUIDWARD: Hey? How did this get out of its special hiding place? And wow the 80's were crazy times. Squidward then hears a thump upstairs. SQUIDWARD: Say what? Ed accidentally made the thump when hiding in Squidward's wig closet while Patrick hid under the bed. PATRICK: Ed! Hide! Ed panics & hides in Squidward's canned bread treasure chest. His footsteps are heard by Squidward downstairs. SQUIDWARD: Oh snap! There better not be any home invaders! Squidward grabs his barbed wire bat and heads up his creaky stairs. Patrick hides under the bed shaking in fear. Squidward rushes into his bedroom and accidentally smashes his lamp with the bat. SQUIDWARD: Eh, I’ll just get another from my lamp supply closet. Anyways, where are you you salty home invading barnacles?! No answer.. SQUIDWARD: Come out & play! I won’t bash & crack you with a baseball bat! Still no answer.. SQUIDWARD: Hmmm, maybe they are in my library then. Suddenly, Squid hears chewing & then a familiar voice. ED’S VOICE: Ughh! Canned bread! This guy has some weird fetishes! Squidward teeths at his mouth and opens his chest as Ed notices him. ED: Oh poopsie. SQUIDWARD: Meet your maker you beast of burden related to my idiot neighbor! As Squidward raises his baseball bat, Ed looks around in fear a couple of times before sending a foot up Squidward's groin. SQUIDWARD: OH MY TENTACLES! AAAHH!! Squidward falls to the floor in pain. ED: Come on cus! Patrick shimmies out from underneath the bed & him & Ed go to the gallery and both smash out through Squidward's front windows. They make it back to the rock safely. PATRICK: We did it! We escaped what could’ve been a very bad war! ED: Yeah! Your Dad is a veteran, not us! As Patrick & Ed both relax, a Mini Cooper pulls up outside the rock & exiting is the Health Inspector from “Nasty Patty” & “Spongebob’s Place.” ANDY: I am Health Inspector Yellowtail. I’m afraid that I need to evict you from this rock due to the following offenses. Andy gets out a piece of paper & puts on his reading glasses while Patrick & Ed look at each other in confusion. ANDY: A toilet full of rocks, a microwave with dangerous metal attached to it, a mailbox installed onto a ceiling with a dangerous flame inside it & among the worst of all, a colorful mess of a wall. PATRICK: How do you even know we did that? ANDY: Mind uninstalling your security cameras next time. Patrick then looks inside his rock quickly to see many security cameras having had filmed him & Ed. PATRICK: Barnacles! ANDY: Take it away boys! Rock Repo guys drive up, hook Patrick's rock onto the back of their truck & drive off while Yellowtail follows in his Mini Cooper. Squidward notices from his smashed out windows & laughs at the table turn. SQUIDWARD: HA! Hahahaha! Aahh! Squidward falls out and lands in a puddle of mudd. Patrick & Ed sit on the ground. PATRICK: Well there goes that! ED: It was fun while it lasted. Spongebob then walks up having had witnessed everything. SPONGEBOB: I’m sorry that your rock was repossessed Patrick. PATRICK: Thanks, but hey! At least I don’t have to worry about sea spiders! SPONGEBOB: True ED: But where am I going to sleep? I’m still going to be in town for 2 more days. SPONGEBOB: You guys can come stay with me! PATRICK: No! No! I got a better idea! The scene cuts to Patrick & Ed on both sides of a bed. PATRICK: Goodnight Squidward! ED: Hehe! Squidward is shown sandwiched in between Patrick & Ed. SQUIDWARD: I hate rock repossessions. Squidward turns off his light. Category:SquidwardTentacles35